thursday 11th november.

woah. already home from college, i love days like this. so anyways, last night i saw my lovely boyfriend. mm i think anyway. we never really fight anymore, and he hasnt cheated since september. i know what youre thinking, "he's cheated? and you're still with him?" well yes, yes i am. you cant ignore how you feel and you cant fight feelings. funny, he always cheats in september, which weirdly is also my birthday month. hmm. anyway so yeah. in september 2009, he cheated on me with a girl called sarah. she was blonde, fun and flirty and we'd been goin through  rough patch. she was an easy way out and it hit me like a bullet. i'd just turned 16, we went out for dinner, the next day - boom. a month later, we were happy again and i tried to forget. it was so hard and i still mention her to get some sort of reaction. the follwing year, only a couple months ago, he was out clubbing, steaming drunk and kissed someone else. yep, another boom. i dont even know how to say everything i feel, it hurt so much and it was like he was less sorry than before, like he knew i would forgive him cause i did the first time. yup, ouch.

i do love him but ah, how does somebody learn to trust again when you've been hurt like this so many times. thats just the cheating alone, forgetting the flirting, private messaging, sexting, arranging to cheat and picture texts. ah my life is one big cheat, a massive lie and a nice spoonful of deceit. how i envy men and their amazing self belief that their stupid, lovesick girlfriends will always forgive them. a stupid, lovesick girlfriend like me. idiot huh?

tuesday 9th november.

Today im feeling a little blue. well i think i am, i have a boyfriend, a job, an active fashion course, a great family and wonderful friends. but all of a sudden, its all very trivial. i hate when people die; like my gran, my great auntie, my grandads friend and pretty soon, my mum's uncle. its kinda strange having another terminal relative. its exhausting knowing and thinking of what to say, how to look, what to do. and its gonna change my life. for years, we have been the family that scrimps and saves to stretch out the househld earnings over every month, holding back splurge purchases and unneccesary buys to save our money and handle it wisely. but were about to get some serious inheritance and its horrible to think that our lives will change for the better in terms of money but it will be one less family member on the christmas list and i truly hate it. i really struggle with my gransd death and that was february 2004. funerals are the worst; the crying, the people, that car holding our family in a box visible in the boot. urgh, and the wardrobe choices.

Aside from that, my day's just peachy. Apart from the fact that i'm skint, lonely and can't stop doubting myself.